I guess my mood is a little happier, having spent a day with my wife, but things are still ... strange right now. Again, I don't want to write about it here as that's just not needed. I am attempting to change my life by a LOT here, and it's mainly for myself, but really, it is a good deal about my relationship with everyone, especially her.
I woke up at about midnight and woke my wife up to have her get into bed, as she had fallen asleep watching TV on the living room floor. When she got into bed, she did say "thank you" ... but I'm not sure if that was for the day we had, or for getting her into bed. I want to think it was for the day, but I have an inkling that it was just for getting her into a more comfortable sleeping arrangement.
Here it is now 45 min's after midnight, and I need to write things down. I figured I'd start here, then perhaps another little note on the computer here to her. I love my wife greatly, and things could be much much better, but I've found myself to be very ... stupid as of late in the regards of being a good husband. I've found that I was playing WAY too much games...to the point of it basically running my life. I'd quit playing WoW for it was too simple and boring to me. I'd quit FFXI a few times prior because it started getting into a schedule of events for each day of the week...like a flippin job. My mind knew that wasn't a good thing, so I'd stop playing those. But the side of me that was in love with games kept finding a new world to go exist in. I was acting like a kid in High School, where I needed to be an adult.
I guess you could say this is my mid-life crisis time, wherein I re-evaluate my life, and find all this shit out, regret it, and try to fix what I've broken due to my stupidity. All day today while I was out with my wife, habit for being out with her, had me wanting to hold hands, I also wanted to kiss her from time to time, but with the talk we'd had not too long ago, I knew that was out of the question. I suppose our talk did give me a kick start on this change, but I now know I really needed this kick in my ass. I love my wife, and don't want to loose her, but I also know that I should change for myself so that I can be better than I have become.
After getting out of the military, I've slowed down quite a lot in my maturity, and as of late...reversed. At first, yes, I wanted to always have a job. As I went on, and kept getting fired from one place after another, sometimes not exactly any reason given for the firing (but that's Florida for you), I started getting back into gaming. Slowly at first, and I think it started mainly when I was at Convergys back a long time ago. One of the guys there said I should try out FFXI...so I did, and I was hooked... I clocked SO many hours on that world it was crazy. After a while some lovely storms here in FL decided to have that business shut down for 3 consecutive weekends, wherein I was scheduled to work. The problem with that was when they couldn't give me extra work days to make up for the 40 hours of work I'd been shafted out of due to inclimate weather. I changed where I worked, but kept playing FFXI, only a bit more.
I eventually quit FFXI when a friend in the game attempted suicide, which was not an easy thing to deal with. I thought I may have been done with it forever, but I had gotten dragged back into it somehow again and again...mainly I think it was the expansions. Again, I'd play, get into a schedule, realize how much it was taking control of my life, and I'd quit. I tried WoW out a few times with other co-workers, then a couple times with friends I had made in other games, that just so happened to live majority in the UK. I'd stopped doing that for the last time with them in the UK, and vowed not to return to WoW for multiple reasons. I'd then stepped back into FFXI crazily enough. Again, it seeped into a regime of each day dedicated to something in FFXI, leaving nothing for myself to be able to do, either in or out of game. So I hung up the FFXI towel ... for the last time.
Now that was oh, I dunno, 4 or 5 months ago that I stopped that. I don't plan on returning at all, and I do feel better for not having a daily schedule that contained "gotta log in and try to do with my FFXI character" ... I tried to find something else to fill in my time...unfortunately for me, with my mind on being a gamer, I'd found new games to play. I found Requiem: bloodymare, or something like that ... then a few other web-based mmorpgs that had some graphical interface. Then eventually somehow I had found Fantasy Earth Zero ... and it seems it started again, a desire to always try to better my character in game. Heck, I had every desire to get better, I kept being told that I was one of the best of my class anyone had seen for a while, and I was a new player! What would happen if I practiced and got better at what I already knew how to do?
Well, really that isn't what I should have been thinking. See, I've not had a job in like 4 years, I've been the house-husband...supposed to be cleaning the house, taking care of the kids, and everything else. But I haven't been. I've been playing games non-stop. It's eeked into my life so much that it seems that was all I knew how to do anymore. I would keep from doing chores and make up lies just to feel better about myself. This hurt me in more ways than I could know...up until now.
I can't pin everything on games, as it is my own stupid fault for getting hooked and not having the self-control to know "this is not a normal behavior". So here I sit, undergoing a much needed change in my life. I don't want to do this alone, I do want support, but I don't know who is here to support me other than myself. My parents are attempting to help I suppose, by helping me get my car fixed, and by attempting to get me to help them with some of their business stuff (selling things for them online). I really want more support, but when I reach for it, it feels like it's slipping further away ... at least the support I want to get.
I suppose this is why I'm still writing too... I really do want that support, but yea, I don't know. I know I need to change a lot to get things back in proper working order for my life, but I don't know ... I ... really, I'm not sure what I'm after any more other than fixing what I fucked up in my life over the years ... and especially over the last few months...
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